Author: murrayof

I wrote the following entries in 2018 as I was beginning in private practice, in order to give people an idea of my style. I started with a focus on parent support, but have since expanded to a few other areas of specialization.

One tension in parenting today pits the rustic dream of free-range parenting against anxious times and urban lives. We dream of our children running free through the fields, but in reality most of us have small, fenced-in backyards. We chose our living situations for many reasons that enrich our children’s lives. However, our young ones running through the neighborhood every afternoon from school’s-out to sundown is not in the cards for most of us.

Fortunately, we can still provide our children with opportunities to take appropriate risks, to both succeed and fail with their own wit and grit. Living in a densely populated community, our children are accustomed to having a caretaker or parent nearby to help.  It becomes second-nature for the child to call out for help, in the incredibly diverse ways that children draw their parent’s attention. And, asking for help is a strength, most of the time.

In urban environments, we can’t rely on our lack of proximity to support our child’s development of grit, healthy autonomy, and capacity to manage social ties with peers. However, we can develop confidence as parents in knowing when our help is needed, when to intervene, and when to preserve room for our children to build their own problem solving abilities.

This post concerns one way you can give your child the opportunity to solve their own problem, while being in the close proximity that urban lives demand.

Now, part of the beauty and terror of parenting is that for the most part, there is no one way to get it right. What I will suggest is just one approach you can try.

When your child calls out for you due to a challenging activity, or looks to you to solve a quibble with a sibling or friend, you have the opportunity build your child’s sense of confidence and maturity. You can pay them the great respect of believing that they may be able to solve the problem, better than anyone.

You don’t need to do this directly. That could sound like a personal challenge. Instead, wonder with them. “Wow. That’s a tough one. What are you going to do now?”

Hear them out. Don’t just listen until you perceive their mistake, or until you understand the problem. Demonstrate you are listening by acknowledging them, and don’t stop listening until they are done telling you. Imagine waiting until the bottle is upside down and empty, and the last drop has fallen. By then, you may find that they are already generating a plan. Most importantly, they are receiving the valuable gift of your esteem because they feel that they are worth listening to, and can generate good ideas.

-Might as well make it a trilogy.

Our children are constantly receiving messages from us, even when we are not physically present, and most especially when we are.

Tacit approval is a powerful message. It is not loaded down with words, directions, and specific expectations – it is simply in the air. When our children are struggling with a puzzle, and we do not intervene, they receive a silent message that we have confidence in their ability to solve a problem. If they are in a conflict with a peer over resources or activities, when we steer clear we are sending the message that conflict is normal and that friends can work things out together.

However, we should not offer tacit approval of choices that go against our values, and the values we aspire to teach to our children. In these instances, it is time to get involved. When there is a power imbalance being exploited due to age, size, or capability, it is time to intervene and share that what is happening does not fit with your values and expectations for your child.

If your child is on the short side of a power imbalance, depending on your sense of your child’s capacity to manage the situation, it is again probably wise to intervene, to demonstrate that this treatment does not receive even your tacit approval.

Your daughter kicks your son in the back because she is angry. Quick! Thing of a natural consequence! Umm, your son’s back hurts? That’s not going to help much.

Natural consequences are good, but when you are in the thick of a difficult parenting moment, you probably won’t have the peace and solomonic wisdom available to identify a natural consequence. Furthermore, if you have to identify and enforce it, how natural is it in the first place? Yes, sometimes it’s a simple as “if you don’t wear your coat, you will be cold,” but I can’t say I’ve ever actually seen that play out very well.

In reality, “natural consequence” is usually shorthand for a consequence imposed by a parent that has a logical connection to the behavior the parent would like to change. That’s well and good, but it could create a situation where consequences are unpredictable and could easily feel unfair (“arbitrary” in grown-up words) to the child.  Your child may not be able to perceive your logical through-line. I’m guessing that in these moments they are probably not in their most receptive and understanding states.

Most of the time what we really need is for everything to just stop. It’s not easy to put the brakes on a train with the kind of momentum our families can generate, but stopping is the most natural consequence of all.  A problem has developed, we would like to help, but we can’t help until we all stop.

I remember trying to allocate some relatively scarce blueberry pie among a few eager kids, and one of the children wanted to eat the pie while we determine how to allocate it. That doesn’t work. We need to stop first.

That’s why I am supportive of calm-down areas and/or time-outs, which can be done in a caring and connected manner within a relationship. It is not about isolating the child. The child should not be isolated, but they do need to stop.  As parents, we can stop ourselves (most of the time), but we cannot make our children stop. Parents will need to call on all their patience at times to wait for “stop” to arrive, but when we do, it is rewarding for the whole family.