Author: murrayof

This post concerns one way you can give your child the opportunity to solve their own problem, while being in the close proximity that urban lives demand.

Now, part of the beauty and terror of parenting is that for the most part, there is no one way to get it right. What I will suggest is just one approach you can try.

When your child calls out for you due to a challenging activity, or looks to you to solve a quibble with a sibling or friend, you have the opportunity build your child’s sense of confidence and maturity. You can pay them the great respect of believing that they may be able to solve the problem, better than anyone.

You don’t need to do this directly. That could sound like a personal challenge. Instead, wonder with them. “Wow. That’s a tough one. What are you going to do now?”

Hear them out. Don’t just listen until you perceive their mistake, or until you understand the problem. Demonstrate you are listening by acknowledging them, and don’t stop listening until they are done telling you. Imagine waiting until the bottle is upside down and empty, and the last drop has fallen. By then, you may find that they are already generating a plan. Most importantly, they are receiving the valuable gift of your esteem because they feel that they are worth listening to, and can generate good ideas.

 

 

 

-Might as well make it a trilogy.

Our children are constantly receiving messages from us, even when we are not physically present, and most especially when we are.

Tacit approval is a powerful message. It is not loaded down with words, directions, and specific expectations – it is simply in the air. When our children are struggling with a puzzle, and we do not intervene, they receive a silent message that we have confidence in their ability to solve a problem. If they are in a conflict with a peer over resources or activities, when we steer clear we are sending the message that conflict is normal and that friends can work things out together.

However, we should not offer tacit approval of choices that go against our values, and the values we aspire to teach to our children. In these instances, it is time to get involved. When there is a power imbalance being exploited due to age, size, or capability, it is time to intervene and share that what is happening does not fit with your values and expectations for your child.

If your child is on the short side of a power imbalance, depending on your sense of your child’s capacity to manage the situation, it is again probably wise to intervene, to demonstrate that this treatment does not receive even your tacit approval.

 

Your daughter kicks your son in the back because she is angry. Quick! Thing of a natural consequence! Umm, your son’s back hurts? That’s not going to help much.

Natural consequences are good, but when you are in the thick of a difficult parenting moment, you probably won’t have the peace and solomonic wisdom available to identify a natural consequence. Furthermore, if you have to identify and enforce it, how natural is it in the first place? Yes, sometimes it’s a simple as “if you don’t wear your coat, you will be cold,” but I can’t say I’ve ever actually seen that play out very well.

In reality, “natural consequence” is usually shorthand for a consequence imposed by a parent that has a logical connection to the behavior the parent would like to change. That’s well and good, but it could create a situation where consequences are unpredictable and could easily feel unfair (“arbitrary” in grown-up words) to the child.  Your child may not be able to perceive your logical through-line. I’m guessing that in these moments they are probably not in their most receptive and understanding states.

Most of the time what we really need is for everything to just stop. It’s not easy to put the brakes on a train with the kind of momentum our families can generate, but stopping is the most natural consequence of all.  A problem has developed, we would like to help, but we can’t help until we all stop.

I remember trying to allocate some relatively scarce blueberry pie among a few eager kids, and one of the children wanted to eat the pie while we determine how to allocate it. That doesn’t work. We need to stop first.

That’s why I am supportive of calm-down areas and/or time-outs, which can be done in a caring and connected manner within a relationship. It is not about isolating the child. The child should not be isolated, but they do need to stop.  As parents, we can stop ourselves (most of the time), but we cannot make our children stop. Parents will need to call on all their patience at times to wait for “stop” to arrive, but when we do, it is rewarding for the whole family.

“It was an accident!”

At some point children discover this very useful phrase. It signals a new level of cognitive complexity. They have moved past did or did not, into the realm of intentionality. Congratulations. Questions of intentionality have flummoxed many juries filled with capable adults. This is truly sophisticated stuff.

The layered sophistication inherent to questions of intentionality tend to make it an unwieldy tool for the child, when they first take up this defense. As they enter this complex realm, they very well may have difficulty self-monitoring their honesty.

As parents, our job is to simplify this for them. The best way to do this is to avoid making sharp distinctions in our reactions, between events presented as intentional or accidental. When we have our wits about us, we can be clear and empathetic in either case. What we want to avoid most is an argument about their honesty, about their true and possibly unknowable intention.

When our child announces “it was an accident”, it can be tempting to accept the invitation being offered, to skip addressing the child’s personal responsibility. Taking the invitation is easier on everyone, in the short run.

This all may sound pretty complex, because it is, but here is how to keep it simple. Tell your child: No one but you can be responsible for what your body does.  -For what flies out of your hand. -For how the stick you are holding cuts through the air. It’s your job to make sure that you manage yourself in a way that does not hurt anyone.

Screen time, and how to manage it, are hot topics in parenting conversations in our time. How we consume entertainment and media is very personal. Media contains stories that are close to our hearts. There is a unbelievable amount of great content available to our families!  From a special seat on the couch, to a favorite snack, we develop small rituals around our media consumption habits. It’s special, and it’s different from family to family. Furthermore, there is a great range of responses different children have to screen time. Some find it calming, while others are consistently upset or out-of-sorts after having time with a screen.

 

Therefore, what works is going to look different across different families. However, there are a few guidelines I would suggest in general.

 

Keep screens out of children’s rooms at night, unless it’s a dedicated reading device with a screen set to not disrupt circadian rhythms.

 

When it comes to passive viewing, and games, maintain a time boundary around total screen time, across devices. The right time boundary depends on the particulars of your family.

 

Protect your children from age-inappropriate content. Common sense media (https://www.commonsensemedia.org/) is a helpful guide in giving you information to help you decide what’s appropriate for your child.

 

Most social media platforms prohibit children under a certain age from having an account. Facebook prohibits children under 13, as does Instagram and most others. This gives a parent an easy reason to say “no.”

 

Try to join your children in watching media or playing video games during their screen time as much as you can. Discuss the experience. Even when you don’t have the flexibility to join them, still engage them in conversation about what they have seen or played.

 

Do not grant your child unfettered and unsupervised access to portals connected to the internet such as a web browser, or youtube app.

 

 

I will tell you what is working in our household. Our screen time policy has slowly evolved over the years, and this is the current state of things.  I share this not as an example of what you should do, but just as example of something that works somewhere.

 

We have two kids, age 7 and 4. Wednesday is “TV day”.  They can watch one hour of tv, together or seperate. It’s usually something we stream off pbs kids, or a streaming service. Saturday is “video game day”, and there is one hour of video game time available. Our youngest is not interested in video games so she can watch something for an hour if she would like. Usually the kids use their time on the specified day, but if for some reason they don’t, they can use leftover time another day.

 

We let the kids have unlimited access for creative purposes. This includes drawing apps, movie making, stop motion movie making, audio recording, and picture taking.

 

The hour limit was hard-won initially with our older child. I was ready to throw out the television at one point early on, and he knew I meant it. But once we established the boundary and my resolve was thoroughly tested, we settled into an established routine where finishing tv or video game time is usually just a small, acceptable struggle. 

 

I wish you luck in discovering what works for you.