from the personal realm to the national realm, the ideal time for “absolutely not” can easily be missed, but it also can be reestablished
Parenting and teaching are significant focuses of my work. Teachers and parents are authorities, and they are wise to exercise their authority thoughtfully. There are many opportunities to leave room for error, to allow children to find their own paths, and to discuss, compromise and see what develops.
There is also a time for “absolutely not.”
A good example of a time for “absolutely not” is when children hit. We can work with some poor negotiation skills, we can leave space for children to work out differences, however clumsily. But when children hit, it’s time for the adult in charge to say “absolutely not”, or their own version of it, and stop the behavior right away. Sometimes a behavior like hitting can start quietly in small ways, and we may not recognize it right away. However, missing the time for “absolutely not” doesn’t mean we can’t establish it once we realize it. In fact, it’s extra important that we do.
This brings me to the national realm. In the United States, our idea is that the people are the ultimate authority. Clearly, our nation lives up to that idea to various degrees over time. I think we missed the initial right time for “absolutely not”. The introduction of masked federal agents should have provoked an “absolutely not” response from the people. Instead, it has taken the videoed killings of two American citizens in our streets to get us to pay attention and say “no.” And now, it becomes crystal clear that we absolutely cannot have armed, anonymous, masked federal agents on our streets or knocking on our doors.
If and when they are seen in Greater Boston, I hope those of us who can risk doing so stop what we are doing, stand up to them, tell them clearly and non-violently, with our words and our presence “absolutely not!” We must do everything we can while remaining non-violent to make it clear that they are not welcome here in their masks, dressed and armed for war on the streets of America. ICE out now.
Since Trump’s re-election and the ensuing governmental assault on diversity, equity, and inclusion, I have taken a lot of heart from Carlos Hoyt’s writings.
Carlos was my Clinical Skills professor in my graduate program. I am looking forward to co-facilitating this workshop with him, and Suki Cintron. The workshop is open to anyone working in schools to maximize inclusivity during these very challenging times.
My article titled A Relational Approach to Two Communities: The United States Relationship-Based Community Meets Child and Youth Care, is now published in the latest issue of the Relational Child & Youth Care Practice (Volume 38, issues 1).
This article arose out of my participation and presentation at the Unity Conference in Dublin last November. There, I learned about the international Child & Youth Care field of study and practice. I noticed similarities, differences, and opportunities for connection with the relationship-based therapeutic education community I have been a part of here in Massachusetts.
You may have access to this journal through your school or institution. It’s also available for purchase through their website.
Additionally, I am authorized to share my article with you, upon request.
I watched episode two of the Netflix series Adolescence last night.
It’s the episode that takes place at school, and it’s easy to see what’s wrong with the school depicted. It’s something I’ve often seen in real life.
The problem is that the school staff is not taking it personally.
Many illustrative examples of this follow throughout the episode as they roam the hallways and classes, but the first time it got my attention was early. One student steps into another student’s personal space, aggressively backing him against a wall, and demanding money. A teacher walks by and tells him to stop. The bully stops. The teacher continues on to their destination.
The teacher has achieved something close to nothing with this interaction, because the teacher didn’t take it personally.
It’s not nearly enough for teachers and school staff to simply tell students to follow rules in a technocratic and impersonal manner. While it is necessary to maintain basic rules, that is a very low bar for what we can expect from school staff. It cannot, on its own, engender a healthy and safe school culture.
Now, there is a certain way in which I encourage school staff to take it personally, and it is not in the I/ego sense. When it comes to their own personal ego and vulnerabilities, school staff often need help with not taking it personally. Not taking things personally, in this ego-based sense, is one of the greatest gifts one develops when becoming a mental health professional, and I strongly encourage teachers to develop this.
What we must take seriously and personally is the authority vested in us as school staff. In an effort to remain safe and secure, the students have a narrow range of options and no authority. School staff, on the other hand, have many options and are part of a whole network of adult authority.
The students are counting on us to keep their school environment safe. What you should take personally is any assumption that you might abdicate such a responsibility. -That you would look away, whether they are acting out, or in danger.
The bully demanding money is taking their aggression out on their target, which is very personal to both the bully and their target. (And to be clear, the interaction is not about money, it’s about dominance.) That personal aggression is intense and will not simply evaporate. The school staffer’s job is to get the bully to transfer their sense of conflict to the school staffer, who is standing in for the expectations of the entire school institution. You transform the conflict from existing between the bully and the target (who has no or limited options in protecting themselves), to the conflict existing between the bully and the institution of school (which has many options and a network of supporting adults).
When you are a school staffer, the authority vested in you means you are “on watch”, and the vibe about behavior that threatens a safe learning environment should be “not on my watch.”
I also encourage teachers and school staff to pay attention to not just the obvious incidents, but also to the sense of threat in the environment. This is something teachers should largely trust their personal sense about, maintaining classes that are safe-enough and also feel safe-enough. Sometimes, I see the bar set so low that nothing is considered an offense or worthy of concern unless a student is getting injured. This is a desperately low bar, and we must aim much higher than that. We can’t have a real learning environment otherwise.
More teachers and school staffers should add incredulity to their mix of available responses to school behavior. Violence is both terrible and absurd. It is an absolutely horrible way, and an absolutely ridiculous way, to address a need or challenge. I find it helpful to respond with incredulity to students who are threatening violence. In doing so, I am projecting onto them the basic requirements of civilization. Your response to threatening language may be as simple as “No, you’re not.” The vibe, which usually goes unsaid, is: The idea that you would act out violently on my watch, in the school where I work, is absurd. I take it personally that you would imagine I would stand for such a thing.
In addition to shutting down the idea of violence, we must have empathy for our students and be prepared to work with them in developing and accessing non-violent ways to address their needs and challenges.
Are you a counselor working in a school? Do your groups sometimes feel stuck? Do you get the feeling that they could be richer and more effective?
This webinar will be fun, very relevant to your work, and brings fresh perspective to school counseling.
You will also earn 1.5 CEs over an engaging 90 minutes.
I’ve developed student-centered group counseling over my career while leading thousands of groups with children and adolescents in schools. Student-centered counseling blends the richness of a process-orientation with the imperatives and opportunities of the school environment.
Michael Murray, LMHC, M.Ed 