Three Stages of Emotional Self-Awareness for Parents

This will be my last blog entry here. I set out to write ten entries so that visitors who are considering reaching out to me could get a sense for my style. -This entry makes ten.

This is a construct I use sometimes when I am training teachers or working with parents. It can be useful in developing self-awareness. It isn’t only relevant to parents, it’s also extremely relevant to teachers, and ultimately anyone who interacts with other people.

It’s especially about children though, because children can really test us. When you are newly responsible for a child, or a child is blossoming into their unique personality, sooner or later your patience will be pushed to its limits. Your emotions will get activated, sometimes intensely. What are you going to do with all those feelings?

Stage A. – Uncontrolled

This is the most primitive stage. Your child’s behavior is frustrating you. You are reacting, and your emotions are controlling your behavior. Your stirred-up feelings are spilling out in an uncontrolled manner. Your self-awareness is low.

Most people know better than to live at this stage, but almost everyone has visited it. Your child might be curious about your reaction, they might feel rewarded by your obvious deep connection to them, they might get further behaviorally activated, they might be frightened into compliance, with likely side effects.

Stage B. – Dispassionate

This stage is generally an improvement over Stage A. In this stage, you have learned to put your feelings aside, and approach your child during challenging moments from a dispassionate place of reason, logic, and inquiry. Your child is emotionally activated, hence the behavior challenge. But, your child sees that you are still calm.

This may help your child see that calming down is an available path, and you and your child may be able to activate the more logical parts of their brain together. When this is possible, reason can displace the panic response.

Stage C. – High Parental Self-Awareness and Self-Control

This is the most flexible, related, and effective stage. It is also the most complex, so it requires much more explanation.  I believe that most people have to spend time mastering Stage B, before they can practice Stage C.

In this stage, you have a well-developed understanding of your own emotional response. You have an articulate and agile understanding of your own emotional state. You know your sensitive buttons, and you know how to self-regulate.

With these abilities, you can use your own emotional self-awareness as a tool in understanding your child, and as part of your intervention. We are highly social beings, and our decisions are guided by our emotional intelligence. When appropriate, you can bring your own emotional state into the conversation.  Your child can gain insight into your inner world, and how you experience emotional changes. Your capacity to articulate your emotions will provide a model for your child to develop the vocabulary and capacity to think about their own feelings, and the feelings of others.

It’s okay to tell your child that your patience is low right now, and that it’s no fault of theirs, but that banging on the pots and pans is too much for you at the moment. Perhaps you can also tell them how your patience got depleted. Conversely, you can find a moment when you are feeling very ready to play and explore, tell them so, and ask them “what should we do!?”

However, I am not simply talking about articulating your feelings to your child. You can also choose to embody, experience, and express your feelings to whatever degree you feel is helpful to your child in the moment. -And to the degree that it is helpful as a social and emotional teachable moment. The metaphor I find most useful is imagining your emotions as a river running within you. You can observe the river, and take stock of its condition. You can let it flow past. You have the option of reaching into the river a little, or a lot, if it will be helpful to your child.

For the sake of clarity, the degree to which you reach into the river is the degree to which you choose to embody your emotions.

At this stage, you can also use your emotional self-awareness as a thermometer for the feelings of your child. As the incredibly social, mirroring creatures we are, our feelings always tell us something about the feelings of those near us. -Especially people we love.