The Wizard of Natural Consequences

Your daughter kicks your son in the back because she is angry. Quick! Thing of a natural consequence! Umm, your son’s back hurts? That’s not going to help much.

Natural consequences are good, but when you are in the thick of a difficult parenting moment, you probably won’t have the peace and solomonic wisdom available to identify a natural consequence. Furthermore, if you have to identify and enforce it, how natural is it in the first place? Yes, sometimes it’s a simple as “if you don’t wear your coat, you will be cold,” but I can’t say I’ve ever actually seen that play out very well.

In reality, “natural consequence” is usually shorthand for a consequence imposed by a parent that has a logical connection to the behavior the parent would like to change. That’s well and good, but it could create a situation where consequences are unpredictable and could easily feel unfair (“arbitrary” in grown-up words) to the child.  Your child may not be able to perceive your logical through-line. I’m guessing that in these moments they are probably not in their most receptive and understanding states.

Most of the time what we really need is for everything to just stop. It’s not easy to put the brakes on a train with the kind of momentum our families can generate, but stopping is the most natural consequence of all.  A problem has developed, we would like to help, but we can’t help until we all stop.

I remember trying to allocate some relatively scarce blueberry pie among a few eager kids, and one of the children wanted to eat the pie while we determine how to allocate it. That doesn’t work. We need to stop first.

That’s why I am supportive of calm-down areas and/or time-outs, which can be done in a caring and connected manner within a relationship. It is not about isolating the child. The child should not be isolated, but they do need to stop.  As parents, we can stop ourselves (most of the time), but we cannot make our children stop. Parents will need to call on all their patience at times to wait for “stop” to arrive, but when we do, it is rewarding for the whole family.