The Autonomy Paradox

Children generally desire autonomy. Some children are more eager for it than others. As parents, we are excited to see our children demonstrate what they can do. We want to watch them grow, and applaud them.

For example, we look forward to the day when they can responsibly cross the street on their own. We want to raise them so that they can eventually navigate the wide-open world of the internet safely.

There is no rush. Our child’s deepest wish is to be safe.

Some children are especially hungry for autonomy. What I notice frequently is that children that demand more and more autonomy often don’t get any more peaceful or content when they get it.

To make sense of this, sometimes I imagine this child on a spiral staircase that does not have railings. They run up for a while, then look way down to the ground and anxiously exclaim “Oh my god!,” and then usually run up some more.

The core paradox is that while children want to grow free from your constraints, they also want you to hold them and keep them safe. Perhaps when they are granted too much autonomy – even when they have insisted on it, they are unhappy because they don’t feel held and safe.

If that is the case, don’t join your child in rushing their childhood, especially when there is a question of safety. Childhood will pass, savor the good parts while you can.