It Was an Accident!

“It was an accident!”

At some point children discover this very useful phrase. It signals a new level of cognitive complexity. They have moved past did or did not, into the realm of intentionality. Congratulations. Questions of intentionality have flummoxed many juries filled with capable adults. This is truly sophisticated stuff.

The layered sophistication inherent to questions of intentionality tend to make it an unwieldy tool for the child, when they first take up this defense. As they enter this complex realm, they very well may have difficulty self-monitoring their honesty.

As parents, our job is to simplify this for them. The best way to do this is to avoid making sharp distinctions in our reactions, between events presented as intentional or accidental. When we have our wits about us, we can be clear and empathetic in either case. What we want to avoid most is an argument about their honesty, about their true and possibly unknowable intention.

When our child announces “it was an accident”, it can be tempting to accept the invitation being offered, to skip addressing the child’s personal responsibility. Taking the invitation is easier on everyone, in the short run.

This all may sound pretty complex, because it is, but here is how to keep it simple. Tell your child: No one but you can be responsible for what your body does.  -For what flies out of your hand. -For how the stick you are holding cuts through the air. It’s your job to make sure that you manage yourself in a way that does not hurt anyone.