How and Why Our Children Push Our Buttons

Our children push our buttons. It’s not up to us. Whether we are aware of it or not, they will find them.

Why? How?

Hold on. First, let’s be clear about what it means to push someone’s buttons. To push someone’s buttons is to activate a formative emotional wound. We’ve all got them, you can’t grow up without collecting at least a few.

Why do our children push our buttons? Because they are so effective at commanding our attention, and attention is as good as life itself.

If you had not given your close attention to your child when they were an infant, they would not have survived. After cutting the umbilical cord, your attention was their lifeline. Now that they are older, they may not need your attention for survival quite the way they used to. But there remains a deep, rich, and special association with your life-giving attention.

How do our children find our buttons?

-Trial and error. -Adaptation.

Let’s use an analogy. Imagine a monkey, loose in a complicated laboratory. In the laboratory, there is a panel covered with buttons. The walls have buttons all over them. There are even buttons on the floor. There are thousands of buttons.  The monkey is in the laboratory day after day, after day… The thing is, most of the buttons in the laboratory don’t do anything especially interesting. However, a few of them make a banana fly out of a chute right into the middle of the room.

How long do you think it will take for the monkey to find, and memorize which buttons make a banana appear? The monkey will stumble on it, and remember it due to the sweet reward. -And then they will keep pressing it. Some people might call the monkey manipulative. I’d just say that they like bananas.

When our children push our buttons, they win our attention. If they push the right button, they sense that we are still thinking of them, even as we attempt to go on to the next thing. Even though our buttons often draw out negative feelings, the attention to the child is still sustaining and affirming. It is wonderful to be held in your parent’s mind.

What’s the solution? I am not advocating that you cut off attention from your child when they push your buttons. The first step is usually developing better awareness of your own buttons. That awareness can earn you some space to develop some different responses,  including, but not limited to when your buttons are pushed.